You Started It (but its not only your fault)

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Not only do they blame themselves for their situation, they are bombarded by courts and child protective professionals for not acting sooner, not reporting all along, not leaving, etc.


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The amount of victim blaming that advocates see everyday is overwhelming. Even some advocates participate in victim blaming.

Helping them to stop blaming themselves is a long process because they have done it for so long it has become their normal reaction to everything. I wish I read the book a longtime ago. My husband is also mild mannered, gentle and acts kind in public. He is very polite to women and opens the door for me when we are in public but not when no one is around.

He has been controlling since the day we got married.

The Responsibility/Fault Fallacy | Mark Manson

I was not allowed to have any bank accounts despite the fact that I work full time. He has verbally abused me because of a store credit card that I have. He was kind when I did things the way he wanted. I wanted to avoid conflict, and this gradually turned me in to a slave. I knew something was wrong but could not figure exactly what it was.

Unhealthy Relationship Behaviors Series: Jealousy

As I have gotten older, it became apparent that I could not do it anymore. His real character surfaced when I disagreed or refused to do things exactly the way he wanted. I have found out that he has been cheating on me with multiple women. Almost all of them were younger women, years younger than he was.

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He was their mentor or superior at work. The worst of him came out when I confronted him regarding his affairs.


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He has been cruel, rude , almost violent. He denied all of them and was very aggressive when I showed him solid proofs. It was as if I was the one at fault. We have started marriage counseling. He has not been honest with the counselor and claimed that I was the one to blame for everything because I have not visited his parents as often as he wants him.

Blame-Game Lessons from Reality TV

It is generally more profitable to assume that the application code is incorrectly calling into a library than to assume that the library itself is broken. Even if the problem does lie with a third party, you'll still have to eliminate your code before submitting the bug report.

We worked on a project where a senior engineer was convinced that the select system call was broken on Solaris. No amount of persuasion or logic could change his mind the fact that every other networking application on the box worked fine was irrelevant.

He spent weeks writing workarounds, which, for some odd reason, didn't seem to fix the problem. When finally forced to sit down and read the documentation on select, he discovered the problem and corrected it in a matter of minutes. We now use the phrase "select is broken" as a gentle reminder whenever one of us starts blaming the system for a fault that is likely to be our own.

The flip side of code ownership is code responsibility. No matter what the problem is with your software-- maybe it's not even your code in the first place-- always assume the problem is in your code and act accordingly. If you're going to subject the world to your software, take full responsibility for its failures.

Fault Quotes

Even if, technically speaking, you don't have to. That's how you earn respect and credibility. You certainly don't earn respect or credibility by endlessly pawning off errors and problems on other people, other companies, other sources.


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Statistically, you understand, it is incredibly rare for any bugs or errors in your software not to be your fault. Systems software and development tools are used by many more people today than they were in the s and s, and so my best guess is that, today, an even higher percentage of errors are the programmers' fault. Whatever the problem with your software is, take ownership.